This is the journal I kept during my second pregnancy, which ended in a loss at 20 weeks.
September 17, 2007
Just nine days short of three years ago, I found out I was pregnant with Caroline. I’ve been saying that three years between kids seems like a good separation, and that’s just what we’ll get! My estimated due date, per the online calculators, is May 28.
I took two home pregnancy tests today, just to be sure. Then Caroline and I went to Target and bought some iron-on printable transfers and a shirt for her. I quickly (and shoddily) made a shirt for her that says “Big Sister in Training” and got it on her before John got home from work. She hugged him. They played. He held her. He noticed the new shoes she was wearing. Finally, when we were outside and she was playing at her water table, “making rain,” I told her to be careful so she wouldn’t mess up her special shirt. John said, “What’s special about it?” And I just waited. He said, “What does it say?” Pause. “Is she really?” Yup, she is.
September 27, 2007
The morning sickness begins.
I know holding off on our announcement through the first trimester will be much harder, if not impossible this time. My dad is stopping off here tomorrow to get Caroline and me and drop us off at my sister’s for the week. Keeping my secret was going to be hard enough without the throwing up! We’ll see how suspicious she gets.
I have made an appointment for late October with the same doctor that delivered Caroline. I loved this doctor throughout my pregnancy and was happy with my delivery and c-section. She truly did everything indicated to prevent it. I am not scheduling a repeat c-section, though. My recovery from the surgery wasn’t bad, but I hated hearing Caroline gurgling on the fluids that weren’t pushed out of her lungs and despised battling the thrush that the antibiotics brought on. I have much reading to do in preparation since, in a way, this is almost like a first delivery.
October 6, 2007
During my stay with my sister, I refused all alcohol, demanded a trip to Brahm’s for ice cream, napped every day, and never helped with cooking — you’d think my pregnant state would be obvious.
John arrived for the weekend to pick me up, and we all went out on the Satoro’s boat on Saturday morning. Cruising along — taking turns driving (even Caroline), I was suddenly overwhelmed by the exhaust fumes and a whiff of Caroline’s Pirate’s Booty. I hollered for John to stop (he was at the wheel at that moment) and leaned myself over the side of the boat to barf.
My dad was baffled, commenting that I’d never gotten sick on a boat in the 34 years years I’d been boatriding. My sister, not at all baffled, yelled “She’s PREGNANT!” I had to admit it. So much for holding out the first trimester. It was good to share the news. I didn’t feel like such an awful houseguest. I got to pick our lunch spot. It was nice.
October 8, 2007
Today, with my nausea and Caroline’s crankiness, I’m really worried about what I’m getting myself into. I feel lousy. I can stand up and do about one thing at a time — sort the laundry, then take a break. Fold the socks. Then take a break. Scrub a toilet. Then take a break. I’ve eaten a piece of peanut butter toast (but didn’t keep it for long), a bowl of dry cheerios, two popsicles, a banana, and a bag of popcorn. It is now 3:30. I think I want another popsicle.
Caroline’s little body and mommy’s not-so-little body are not working well together. Caroline’s bottom two-year molars are making their appearance at the height of mommy’s morning all-day sickness. I know, I know, this is just a taste of what life with two will be.
October 12, 2007
When one is first-trimester pregnant, all the rules and structure one aspires to as a parent (or even as a human being) are off. It is 10:30 in the morning. I am in pajamas, and Caroline is wearing only panties. I just ate what should have been my lunch, leftovers from last night. She is eating popcorn. The television has been on PBS all morning. The laundry from yesterday is still in the dryer. And I’m ready for a nap!
October 18, 2007
First doctor’s appointment today. Weight check — why didn’t I diet before getting pregnant? Urine deposit. Tons of paperwork with the nurse. Exam by doctor. Ultrasound.
BP: 102 / 68
Blood vials: 5
Dating: 8 weeks 4 days
Due Date: May 25, 2008
We did talk about a VBAC, and she said she had to tell me that there is a chance that the area from my incision could come apart during labor, and the baby or I could die as a result of uterine rupture. She said it would be more likely that I would leave her office and get hit by a car in the parking lot, but that she had to tell me about the risk. They will do fetal monitoring during labor, though, because before rupture, the baby usually shows signs of distress.
October 23, 2007
I am feeling better, nausea-wise, but I’m still tired. I’ve been taking B-Natals — they sure help! We told my extended family at the family reunion this weekend, and we called John’s family and told them, too. We didn’t exactly make an announcement to my family. We arrived, and as we were unloading the car, Aunt Becky asked me why my butt was so big. Feel the love? Caroline got to tell her Aunt Carlye on the phone “I be big sister.” When her Aunt Stephanie called back, though, Caroline must have forgotten the coaching I’d given her on her line. I handed Caroline the phone and told her to tell Buffy what she’s going to be. “I be butterly, Buffy.” Well, it’s true. She’s going to be a butterfly for Halloween — that’s much more exciting than being whatever a big sister is.
November 15, 2007
Doctor’s appointment today, 12 weeks 4 days.
Weight: +1 pound (not sure how that’s possible as I feel 30 pounds heavier and have the breath capacity that goes with that kind of weight gain!)
Fetal length: 6.24 cm
Doc said “Everything looks perfect!”
The nausea is better but still rears its ugly head, especially when I brush my teeth. I am still pretty tired, too. I’m looking forward to the happy second trimester coming up soon. I am wearing elastic waist bands exclusively, which mostly means sweats or yoga pants. I did splurge on a Bella Band and wore it to church Sunday with a pair of dress slacks. It was nice not to feel totally dumpy.
December 20, 2007
Another doctor’s appointment, 17 weeks 4 days.
Weight +5 lbs
BP: Much higher at 135/70 — I have a cold and was am having trouble catching my breath
Listened to heartbeat and took a peek on sonogram — everything looks great (well, alien-like, but as it should look).
Heartbeat was high 140s to low 150s.
My OB told me she is almost eight weeks pregnant!
I asked about the scar check after the c-section that I had read about in my VBAC books (they advice against it.) She doesn’t do it!! Yay!
Here’s my reading list so far:
The Pregnancy Book by Sears and Sears
Silent Knife by Cohen
The VBAC Companion by Korte
I’m feeling good, sometimes tired and sometimes (in the middle of the night) restless. No more nausea, though. I’m wearing maternity clothes now — more than a month earlier than last time!
January 10, 2007
When John, Caroline, and I went in for the routine anatomy ultrasound, we learned that our baby had died sometime since my last appointment. The news slowly sunk in, and I checked in to the hospital that night, asked for and had another ultrasound to confirm the baby’s death, and was induced. I delivered a baby boy on Friday, January 11 at 10:22 p.m.